


i dream of dying

by antaia



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2020-07-27 17:45:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20050015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antaia/pseuds/antaia
Summary: Peter always was aware that he was a burden.This all but confirms it.Or: Peter Parker develops an eating disorder.





	1. Prologue

Peter knew that he ate a lot. Far more then the average person. How could he not, though? The spider bite had well and truly fucked his metabolism. And, well, Aunt May and him were always a little tight on money, but it was never bad enough that it left him hungry.

_he knew that may would cry while reading the bills sometimes, and he would think, ´your fault, idiot´_

Until one night he just stops, and thinks for a little.

Just how much had he been costing May with his food habits? He was practically eating her out of the house.

So he conducts an experiment.

He stops eating so damn much.

Almost immediately, he notices the shift in his aunt.

Of course, she would never actually _say _it, she was far too nice for that, but he knew that the stress of the grocery bill being lifted helped the ever present burden of not having enough money in the Parker household.

_And if the dust ever present in his mouth ever since a building crushed him lessened, well, all the better, right?_

And, well...

Peter always was aware that he was a burden.  
This all but confirms it.


	2. a single decision causes a rift in time

He started off small.

It wasn't like he would do anything crazy or drastic. It didn’t really matter in the long run, it was just a few meals. Not everything would change.

Everything tasted like dirt and blood anyway, so not a huge loss.

_Everything changes. People are lost in crowds and people get sick and people die and that’s just how it is sometimes. Change is necessary and change happens and so what if you never see your parents again? That’s life. Get used to it. _

He is young as he is old. An oxymoron. nonsensical.

May shines brighter than anything, a star in her own right. How good of a person do you have to be, to take a child not even related to you and take care of them? Sometimes Peter stares at her when she’s not looking, trying to figure it out.

_Why are you doing this? Why would you keep me?_ Then she turns to him and smiles and Peter forgets his train of thought.

\----------------------

Everyday, like clockwork, Peter wakes up at 6:00 (if he even went to sleep in the first place), showers, looks over his homework, (and there never isn’t homework, Midtown is a STEM school, after all), wipes himself down with a damp cloth (because he tries to not take showers if he can avoid it), heads to the kitchen, hugs May goodbye, then leaves for school.

Simple, right?

May looks as tired as ever the fateful morning of Peter’s decision.

_Decision of what? Are you selfless or selfish, make up your mind-_

“Hi sweetheart,” May says, turning over to Peter, “Sleep well?”

He slept the same as ever, half-baked nightmares of whatever his conscience can throw at him from his parents to his patrols to drowning to Ben dying to being crushed. But he brought most of that upon himself, so no reason to complain.

“Same as ever.” he replies, and isn’t that the truth?

“Well, are you going to grab anything to eat before you go?” May inquires, shooting him a half smile.

And before he could think too much about it,

“No, I’m not that hungry. Bye, love you!” he calls over his shoulder, grabbing his backpack off the ground and rushing out the door.

“Love you too!” May answers to an already half shut door.

_Strange_, she wonders to herself, but shrugs and moves on.

That becomes her line of thinking for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops, my hand slipped.


	3. and the sun still shines on the people who have sinned

_don't hate what life tends to hand us. it breeds complacency. the sun still shines on the people regardless of what they have done._

Peter often wonders when he had died. Was it when he was a mere four years old, and his parents said goodbye to him and never came back? Was it when Skip told him he was his friend and betrayed him in the worst way possible? Was it when the spider bite him, altering him on a physiological level to the point where Peter wonders if he stopped being human that night? Was it when his uncle bleed to death in his arms when he sat uselessly trying to stanch the blood? Was it when he was dropped in a lake and thought he would drown alone? Was it when the suit was taken away? When he was crushed under a building, unable to do anything but cry?

What if he had died in every instance, slowly chipping away at parts of himself until nothing remained? Had he died in every instance, until there was nothing left but a hollow husk of a body pulled by unseen strings?

_Why, Peter mused, does it even matter. God has tried to kill me at every corner and I've come back, like a cockroach instead of a spider. It has finally worked, for at last, I am well and truly dead._

-

He moves through crowds at school silently, head down. In the weeks after the entireToomes fiasco, he had stopped raising his hand in class, stopped contributing to his classmates discussions, and stopped speaking more than absolutely necessary. Peter didn't have a reasoning to this withdrawal, but it did come with its benefits. Oh, Flash was furious with him, he no longer even acknowledged the taunts anymore. What was a schoolyard bully in the face of every horror Pandora's box has to offer? He did feel bad for withdrawing from Ned, however, as the boy had been nothing but kind to him. 

Peter just couldn't explain to him why he had turned down being an Avenger. Ned had been so confused with him, and he had a right to be. Why would Peter turn down everything he had ever wanted?

The only explanation he could give, truthfully, was the sentence that pounded in his ears as Mr. Stark unveiled the Iron Spider. 

_I'm not good enough_

Ah, speak of the devil, there comes Ned himself.

"Hey dude!" Ned said enthusiastically, gently bumping his shoulder. Ned had been walking on eggshells with Peter recently, and Peter wishes he could drudge up the energy to feel something about it, but he looks into the pit and summons only a slight tinge of annoyance.

Well.

"Hi, Ned." Peter sighs, carding his fingers through his hair. What the hell was the homework for today?

"We have a test in A.P. Bio, and I'm certain you didn't study for it, what with your," Ned looks around, and whispers in a dramaticied hushed voice, "_hero business. _So I made you flashcards!" 

Peter fought the urge to sigh again. He did appreciate the gesture, however futile it was, as he wasn't going to be able to focus on the cards for more then a few minutes. He shouldn't even need Ned's help, he had enough time to do his own studying. 

He wasn't even going out as Spiderman that often, so the workload should of decreased. 

_What about all of the people you're killing by your inaction, hmm? Surely your school work is more important than peoples lives?_

"Thanks, I'll be sure to look through them." Peter gives a wave as he turns to go to his first period class. He can still feel Ned's eyes on him as he walks away.

His stomach feels tight and painful.

_don't hate what life tends to hand us. it breeds complacency. the sun still shines on the people regardless of what they have done._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i am so sorry that i havent posted on this in so long. life has been kicking my butt recently and i havent been doing the best. ive kind of been struggling to reconcile islam and my queerness in a healthy manner, so thats something ive been working on. and thats on internalized homophobia :,). being muslim and gay is HARD, guys.
> 
> in better news, however, my girlfriend liked the violets i got for her birthday! (violets are a symbol of love between women). so we vibin.
> 
> stay safe my lovely gulab jamins !


	4. Chapter 4

Consequentialism is the ethical philosophy that judges whether someone's actions are right based on only consequences they produce. A moral act would be one that produced a good outcome, regardless of intent. A classic example of this philosophy would be utilitarianism, or the judging of consequences based on the 'greatest good for the largest number'. Theoretically, what results in the most people benefiting would be the morally righteous thing to do.

If you were to kill, say, one healthy patient to give their organs to five sick patients in a live saving procedure, this would, morally, be the correct thing to do. But did the healthy patient offer their consent? What gives you the right to kill an innocent person to save five others? Shouldn't it be best to minimize the amount of death? What if the five sick patients were criminals? What if the sick patients had life saving research that they should of continued? Do any of us have the right to play god?

_how can you play god you can't decide you don't know you can't_

The world is never cut and dry. There isn't one 'right decision' to be made out of all of them. There are millions of deciding factors that can determine whether or not an action is morally correct. Shouldn't intent be the only thing that matters?

Well, what if an economist had proven that killing 100 million people would do wonders for the economy, and improve quality of life for everyone remaining? The intent is pure, to help people. But it would of course be wrong to kill innocent people in the name of benefiting others. Intentions don't justify actions.

_they were **hurting **people they were selling drugs they were stealing from gas stations who cares if they were trying to feed their families_

What about the flip side of intent? If you raise money for cancer patients for the sole intent of looking good, it would result in the improvement of life for many people. But you never cared about that in the first place, so why would that action be considered morally righteous? The intention was never good in the first place. However, the consequences still result in the bettering of lives, so why should it be important?

_do you do it because you're a good person or because you want to seem like a good person_

Why does any of it matter, really? What's the point in trying to make good decisions knowing that somehow, in some way, they are wrong?

This all goes back to one simple decision really, or maybe dozens or hundred or millions of the decisions culminating to form him, imperfect and raw as he is. Should he have killed Toomes? Would he have deserved it? Arguably, the man is suffering more in prison with the knowledge that he ruined his daughter and wives lives with his dealings.

Who is he to call himself a hero? How should he know if the people he is condemning to jail deserve it? What if they're as good as him? What if they are as bad?

Peter supposes this is why he cannot go out as Spiderman anymore, not with his newly widened world view. How can he decide whether people should die or not? 

"_Mr. Parker,"_ Mrs. Anderson says, peering at him through her thickly rimmed glasses.

"The bell has rung. I will be needing your test now." She says, motioning to the papers gripped tightly into his hand. Peter doesn't even recall writing in any of the answers. Biology means nothing to him. They all die in the end. What's the use in trying to put good in the world? 

"Are you feeling alright, Peter?" Mrs. Anderson asks once Peter is shaken enough out of his stupor to finally hand in the forsaken test.

_Your love, your trust, your failings all culminate to this? A test? That you definitely failed? You know more than she possibly could, you are blessed with the knowledge of the universe, you mean more than she ever will, why does a stupid class matter when your head is so filled with the meaning of the world of life of death that it is practically spilling out_

"I'm just feeling a little tired, sorry about that," _liar, you're not tired you're dying or dead and your corpse is being pulled along by strings reaching up to the heavens by higher powers that take pleasure in your never ending torment, keep digging your own grave you coward-_

"It's alright," Her surface levels worries alleviated, Mrs. Anderson turns back to her and walks to her desk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so many of the italicized words are things i have thought to myself. i switch between having such a downtrodden view of my self to this horrendous inflation of self worth. i feel like my brain is flooding and spilling with knowledge and secrets of the world but i know that everything i say and do has been done before. anyways this chapter took forever cause i kept going down ethical rabbit holes. enjoy !
> 
> stay safe my lovely gulab jamins !


	5. Chapter 5

dont mind this its just that the archive refuses to show that i updated my work so im trying different things

**Author's Note:**

> this is kinda me writing this as a way to process my own issues and struggles with mental illness, but it doesn´t mean that you should read this if it is potentially triggering to you.
> 
> stay safe my lovely gulab jamins !


End file.
